What are we thinking?

What are we thinking?

by | Aug 19, 2020 | Social Skills

By Maude Le Roux, OTR/L, SIPT, RCTC, DIR® Expert Trainer at A Total Approach

            A call to reflect on what “social behavior” means in Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

“My daughter is really struggling with attaining social skills. Sometimes I notice that she looks interested, but she does not want to venture forward. If I prompt her, she would go towards the person or group and she knows to greet, but it stops right there and her facial expression is almost “blank”. We have spent many years to get as far as we have come and she has worked hard, but we seem to be stuck now and it is going to impact on her ability to function in a social group at school. I do not know how she is feeling much of the time, not sure if she is happy or unhappy. Her preferred state still seems to be in her own world.”

I can feel the frustration of this parent, as she has dedicated many years to attain the level of skill required to attain what has been achieved. This plea is not from a parent who wishes her child to be “fixed”, simply happier, better understood and anxious over her future – to be the best version of herself she can be. I try to find ways of broaching my different responses over the years, though really it boils down to 3 aspects to consider.

Firstly, in order to consider social skill, we need to consider communication first. It starts with having the intent to communicate and understand the reciprocity of this turn taking process. In fact, this starts in utero already and continues to develop very strongly in the early bonding process. We are hard wired in our brain to connect with others, to act contingently to others’ overtures toward us. The typically developing baby responds to the overtures of their caregiver and the warm, secure bond of safety drives the intrinsic motivation within the baby to want communication and risk asking for more. This communicative intent with intrinsic motivation for initiation frequently occur as a key difficulty in autistic children and adults. They do not seem to be intrinsically motivated; they appear more motivated to avoid or use fight and flight. Connection with others can be overwhelming as so much needs to be considered. Instead of their sense of self driving toward communication, they frequently feel compelled to self-protect by retreating into their own world, where they feel so much more in control.

The second aspect to consider is that social communication depends on verbal and non-verbal skill. It is not just that we have the capability to use speech and language, but also that we can pair our verbal and non-verbal communication in order to assess a conversational turn-take and follow up on someone else’s contribution. The baby learns to use gestures and sounds before speech and it is really only when we start understanding full sentences with verbs that we can use speech in a social situation with continuous verbal flow. Yet, the baby learns from birth to about 2 to 3 years to first:

  1. Enact on the environment
  2. Form relationships in their lives
  3. Get a grip on the emotional self
  4. Get needs met with certain cries and pleas to the parent

The developing child learns emotions (dealing with self), praxis (pairing verbal with non-verbal gestures), as well as developing a physical sense of self (being separate from others). In order to consider others socially, they first learn to deal with themselves physically and emotionally. Verbal speech is built upon this sense of self as a way to express our thoughts, needs and wants and later becomes the principal player in having a debate, or a discourse, becoming a fluid stream of two-way communication from one person to another in a social situation.

As I am writing I can think of so much more to say, but will focus on only one more consideration. Erik Erikson discusses a sense of autonomy that comes with a sense of purposefulness. This is driven by the first two considerations already noted, which acts as building blocks for using working memory while simultaneously building Theory of Mind (ToM). This ability involves being able to use cognitive flexibility to assess how someone else is responding to my social overture, and within split second timing adjusting my next thought to suit the situation in an acceptable manner. This is quite complex and involves much integration of the different senses including our executive and emotional pathways.

Yet, in the light of all this complexity, we have spent the earlier parts of the child’s life focusing on speech, learning skills, “catching up on development”, in a behavioral context, using task analysis and drills to attain access to functionality in learning and language. All of the families coming my way are loving, caring and want the best for their child. Because behavioral therapy is the only therapy provided for through insurance, because all the doctors recommends it and everyone else seems to be doing it, families chose to do this therapy in these crucial early developmental years. Yet behavioral therapy has minimal to no research on contingent conversational turn taking, Theory of Mind, social perspective taking, to name only a few of the aforementioned considerations. In order to be a social partaker in our communities, these are skills honed in from birth and throughout all the drills of behavior therapy, albeit playful, the essence of social skill and the naturalness of co-reciprocity, does not feature. Social communication requires spontaneity, initiation and is not delivered through prompting. Now the families come to my office at ages 5, 6, 9, 13….. and we have to start from the very beginning. This also means we have to un-learn the habit of waiting to be prompted, which has now become a pattern of being.

What are we thinking? Are autistic children seen as walking bodies within which we must enforce what is “acceptable”? Acceptable to whom? They are babies, kids, adolescents, adults with thoughts, ideas, minds, emotions and if we do not harness their social being from the very beginning, we lose precious time that is going to be very hard to make up later.

Please think about this, too many kids are getting lost. And the excuse then? They are not developing social-emotional skill because they have a diagnosis.

Maude Le Roux, OTR/L

484 840 1529 for a free phone consultation

The Connection Between Fear & Flexibility

The Connection Between Fear & Flexibility

by | Aug 10, 2020 | Parenting

By Maude Le Roux, OTR/L, SIPT, RCTC, DIR® Expert Trainer at A Total Approach

Fears and anxieties around Covid19 have become very real in our current adaptation to a “new” way of working, living, learning and playing. Children may be picking up on our fears and we might be resonating theirs. Behaviors may escalate because of this and this might be good and bad. Not so good if we have more meltdowns and frustration to cope with, but perhaps good in the sense that we are more available to witness our children’s fears and anxieties.

Let us start at the beginning though. Fears and anxieties are actually very normal in early child development. As children approach the age of 4, having accomplished an important phase of separating from the parent to stand autonomous in their sense of self, they are also getting geared for “growing up” and becoming a “big boy or girl”. This creates a natural developmental stage wherein children may have more nightmares, bad dreams and monsters in their closets. As they learn to trust their new found autonomy, they fear less and these occurrences fade. If your children are still in their developing years, they may feel your concern about current events more strongly than if they were a year or two older. If your child is atypically developing though, then their sense of autonomy is likely not established at these early developmental stages and they may hang onto their fears and anxieties for a much longer time. Some hide it well and simply move through life, never really being fully “present”, always vigilant. Others disguise their fears and anxieties through defensive attitudes, seemingly wanting to control others through their behavior, yet feeling very insecure underneath.

Fear is exacerbated in a child with anxiety. If a child’s fear response is not curbed in a co-regulated, affective way, it could manifest itself into more extreme forms of mental health behaviors such as anxiety disorders later in their life.

The Amygdala & The Fight, Flight or Fright Response

Fear is an emotion linked to the amygdala, the small region in the temporal lobe of the brain’s limbic center named for its almond shape. Feelings of fear start with an environmental stimulus that provokes stress. The central part of the amygdala (CeA) reacts to this stimulus by regulating the release of cortisol through the paraventricular nucleus of the hypothalamus, which is responsible for what I like to call the “fight, flight and fright response.” The fear works subconsciously in the body; only after a child experiences the fear can their logic return so they can think of what to do next, rather than fight it, run from it or remain fearful.

The amygdala is directly associated with conditioned fear, defined as “the framework used to explain the behavior produced when an originally neutral stimulus is consistently paired with a stimulus that evokes fear.”

For example, if a child is having a difficult time dealing with their learning environment, their anxiety about that could give rise to a conditioned fear. The child will associate new learning experiences with the first anxiety provoking experiences and begin to form fear responses to other seemingly innocuous experiences, which will confound their teacher and parent alike. The child is responding to associated memories in similar circumstances and essentially generalizing their fears. 

Where Can A Child’s Anxiety Come From? 4 possibilities:

  • Anxiety about family circumstances in the home
  • Performance anxiety where a child is not able to keep up
  • Social anxiety that makes a child feel like they cannot compare to their peers
  • Traumatic experiences such as divorce or someone passing in the family

Having a fear response to a situation can cause a “normal” amount of anxiety with normal temporary fear responses. However, these feelings of intense anxiety or fear can become overwhelming for the child, and if this goes unrecognized and not addressed it can lead to the child exhibiting signs of an anxiety disorder.

Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health concern in the United States. More than seven percent of children ages three to 17 experience issues with anxiety each year. Over 40 million U.S. adults have an anxiety disorder and most people develop symptoms before age 21. The most common types of anxiety disorders include:

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) – a chronic, exaggerated worrying about everyday life.

Social Anxiety Disorder – an intense fear about social interaction

Panic Disorder – characterized by panic attacks or sudden feelings of terror that sometimes strike without warning and could cause chest pain, heart palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath and stomach upset.

Phobias – an irrational fear of places, events or objects.

Other anxiety disorders are obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), agoraphobia and separation anxiety disorder.

Normal Anxieties and Fears of Early Childhood

In his Touchpoints book series, renowned pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton, MD (They call him, “The Baby Whisperer”) introduces parents to the touchpoints theory, which follows a child’s pattern of  “growth-new challenge-regression-recharging-and renewed growth,” and applies it to the cognitive, behavioral and emotional developments that occur in children from ages three to six. He and co-author Joshua D. Sparrow also share guidance for parents facing the pressure of helping their children cope with the stresses of contemporary life, such as how to make a child feel safe without instilling fear, cope successfully with different family configurations, regulate through over-scheduling or competition and more.

Dr. Brazelton makes it clear that it’s very normal for children to experience moderate amounts of fear and anxiety in their early development – and one of the ways they work out fears and anxieties for themselves is through play. In fact, play is so important to healthy child development that it is recognized by the United Nations High Commission for Human Rights as the right of every child.

The Role of Play in Early Child Development

Why is play essential to healthy child development? The three core principles that guide child development are: 1) supporting responsive relationships; 2) strengthening core life skills; and 3) reducing sources of stress in order to help children and families thrive. Play is an effective way of supporting all three of these principles.

According to a publication in Pediatrics, the official journal of the American Academy of  Pediatrics:

  • Play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical, cognitive, and emotional strength.
  • Play allows children to create and explore a world they can master, conquering their fears while practicing adult roles and problem-solving-decision-making skills.
  • Play helps children develop new competencies that lead to enhanced confidence and the resiliency they will need to face future challenges.
  • Play allows children to learn how to work in groups, to share, to negotiate, to resolve conflicts and to learn self-advocacy skills.

In addition to having an important role in healthy brain development, play allows children to develop a theory of mind and understand that another person’s thoughts may be different than their thoughts. Play also offers an ideal opportunity for parents to engage fully with their children.

How Does The Fear Response Relate to Flexibility?

When a child is responding to something with fear, their intent would be to find their comfort zone because they really don’t want to deal with a changing, unpredictable situation in the moment. Their parents may want to label the child’s behavior before it’s warranted (rigid, being inflexible, always wanting things their way, selfish), as their child’s response may seem extreme. Behavior usually is the outcome of what is going on underneath the surface. It may be that their child’s fear response is over exaggerated, which can be related to an anxiety trigger that can lead to inflexible behavior. It is a natural tendency in human behavior to want to control externally when we cannot feel in control inside. If the original anxiety is not addressed however, this may lead to forming habitual behavior patterns which may really be hard to break later.

When children are developmentally delayed emotionally, they weigh their fear against the reality of life versus their fantasy of life. For instance, if their parents get divorced before this milestone is cemented emotionally, they may feel their parents are getting divorced because of them. Maybe they remember their parents arguing about them before they learned of the divorce. Regardless of the reality of the situation between parents, the child will hold onto their fantasy about the argument and this becomes part of their subconscious system. Now, the child’s behavior is influenced by a fear that they have something to do with this big life event, increasing their experience of not feeling in control.

To return this type of rigidness to flexibility, parents can help their children return to a regulated state of acceptance and normal responses to fear.

Dr. Siegel’s Hand Model Of The Brain

If you put your thumb in the middle of your palm and then curl your fingers over the top, you’ll have a working model of the brain, he says. The forehead is at your knuckles and the back of your hand is the back of the head. Your thumb represents the amygdala tucked underneath your four fingers, and your wrist represents the brainstem from which the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex pathway (DLPFC) would commence. This pathway  is highly involved in the ability to understand the logic of a situation, the rationale behind things, the “why”.

If we encounter something we’re not expecting, we flip our lid (move four fingers straight up) exposing the amygdala (your thumb) making  our fight, flight and fright response available for these very primitive, impulsive response patterns. The pathway to our “thinking” brain’s logic has been severed and is not accessible for reasoning.

When a parent responds to their child’s fear, they usually want to appeal to their child’s logic. However, the child is in the fight, flight or fright response and the path to their thinking brain is not working. So first, the parent needs to close the prefrontal cortex and regulate their child down (close your fingers back into a fist to protect your thumb aka the amygdala), then access to your child’s logic may be restored. In essence, first normalize the emotion through your understanding and acceptance of that emotion with as little words as possible and wait for the “lid” to close the vulnerable Amygdala. 

Calming their fears and anxieties can be done through using any type of co-regulated activity. For instance, use your emotional tone of voice to calm your child, acknowledge how they’re feeling, bringing warmth and comfort into your response to normalize their behavior. Once the child has calmed down, you can say something like, “Wow, that was a scary (sad, mad) moment. I like the way you calmed down. This “praise” for calming down brings a sense of accomplishment that supports the child’s autonomy as this memory will now feed into the next occurrence. 

Nature Through Nurture – Be An “Amygdala Whisperer”

We must be very cognizant of the way we come across to our kids. Why? If the parents are high-strung and intense, you often see the same kind of behavior in their children or a behavioral response to the tension this creates. If the parents are more laid back and relaxed, their kids have more possibility to pick up on that and will tend to emulate it. No one likes feeling out of control and we should not assume that children get out of control because they “want to”. We want to feel this way, because their behavior makes us as parents feel out of control. How we feel in that moment, facing our child’s behavior has a direct correlation with what that child is feeling inside and no, the child does not have our ability to control it. Please do not feel guilty if you are not perfect. We all lose our cool from time and time and we learn from these experiences. What we are discussing here are patterns of behavior, established by too high frequencies of occurrence of perhaps misattunement between the needs of both parent and child. If you did lose your cool, simply go back to the child once your child has calmed down and give them a quick hug with these words: “Mommy/Daddy should not have lost my cool like that. I still do not like what you did, but know that Mommy/Daddy loves you.” This repair does more to fuel the child’s coping strategies as they build from your model. Of course, if this happens too frequently, the child may lose trust in your words over time.

Research shows that when children feel something, they feel it for at least a year before anyone ever knows they’re feeling it. They need time to work through what it is they’re really feeling.

As adults, we need to recognize that all children have anxieties and fears as they grow up, whether their early development is normal or they are developmentally delayed.

As they are building that foundation, it’s also our job to make sure they learn that normal anxiety could actually be helpful to them, during tough periods in their life, when they’re cramming for an exam and other experiences. If they start thinking that anxiety is their enemy, then life could become one constant timeline of rigid, inflexible behavior as self-protection.

Why Is My Child Behaving This Way?

Why Is My Child Behaving This Way?

by | Jul 21, 2020 | Parenting

What is it about “behavior” that makes me behave? How do I know what is expected of me socially? How do I keep friends and know to consider their wishes? Why do we see some kids struggle to make sense of it all and others take to these skills so readily? These are hard questions, though also quite simplistic.

 The word “behavior” has become a word connected to a child that is not doing what we expect them to do, acting in a socially immature way, creating difficulties in the home and at school and sometimes assumed to do these “behaviors” willfully. Most kids struggling with “behavior”, either have a haunted, sad look in their eyes or a daring attitude of defiance when we look their way. Others simply cringe at eye contact as if they could will themselves not to be seen. In the 1950’s Erik Erikson described the first year of life as the child’s foundation of trust vs. mistrust. Through the parent’s caregiving, and the child’s own temperament, they form the foundation of their relationships in life. Do they “trust” or “mistrust” that the important relationships in their lives will be there for them? Are they worthy of love? He identified this as the stage of hope. In the second to third year of life, this stage was identified as “willpower”. The conflicting issues at this stage was whether a child would have autonomy or shame. The will of the child could be formed in either direction. Would the child feel he is achieving or not?

 In much later research, this still holds true, though many more pieces have come to light. The Amygdala is a small center in the Limbic brain (emotional center), where the functions of fight, flight and freeze find their home. These functions are deeply seated in the subconscious brain. When something is in the subconscious brain, this means that when a child responds with fight and flight, it cannot possibly be because he or she wanted to. If it is triggered way “down under”, then the child is as much a victim of his or her own experience as the person on the receiving end would be. Think about when you are triggered on some of your hot spots as an adult. Do you not also wish you did not say something you did? And for the most part we call ourselves mature adults, which we are and I include myself in this experience, no judgment here.

 All of our experiences, from within our mother’s womb, until now is buried in the memory banks with our emotional connections to those experiences. If we truly ponder this, we realize what enormous influence our experiences have in our lives. If a child, for e.g. struggle with dysregulation and sensory processing of information and their experiences are fraught with mis-messages to their brain, their emotional experiences, however seemingly innocuous to us, are fraught with chaos, feeling anxious, uncomfortable and certainly not willing to do this again. They cannot trust new and novel experiences, which neurotypical children would thrive upon. And we scratch our heads. Every other child in the universe would enjoy spending the day on the beach with the family, but our child refuses to leave the car? It seems so incoherent to our typical nervous system that we turn to our frontal brain and logic tells us that the child is rude, obnoxious, selfish and out to make it difficult for all.

 You may ask why they could not simply override their need and come along just for the sake of their family? The answer again is both simple and complex. You are thinking with your pre-frontal cortex with good access to logic, while your child is responding to the limbic brain, reacting to the immediate need of fight and flight. While in that state, the child does not have access along the highway of logic in the brain, and is stuck in an instinctual response of self-protection. Self-protection you may ask? Yes, as the nervous system is not playing along as it should, giving us incorrect information about the moment, the child’s instinctual drive would be to go into self-protection whether it is fighting you or fleeing from you or even simply just freezing on the spot.

There is so much to say about this topic, especially how these reactions lead to rigid behavior, difficulty maturing socially emotionally and then there is a lot to say about what can be done about this. I will write more about it later. But if you do recognize this in your child, please do not allow anyone to put a behavior label on your child. Your child deserves more respect than a label could give. Seek services such as sensory integration therapy that absolutely can help this situation. Call us at 484 840 1529, no matter where you are or e-mail: maude@atotalapproach.com .

Life Lessons With Oscar

Life Lessons With Oscar

by | Jul 14, 2020 | Parenting

By Maude Le Roux, OTR/L, SIPT, RCTC, DIR® Expert Trainer at A Total Approach

Oscar came into our lives over 11 years ago and wove his way into our hearts with his furry body, wagging tail and face that always laughed. He brought gaiety into our home and so much wonder. As I sit an ponder about missing him and his presence, I reminisce over some of the many lessons he taught us.

Oscar truly understood the art of being. For him it was only this moment, the only moment that could possibly count. Tomorrow was a concept only understood as a bedtime routine, and we will rise again tomorrow. He did not worry about if he was going to eat or going to get a new toy or if he was going to feel rejected, socially isolated, or achieve. He accepted what he got and tried to squeeze what he could from the moment he had. Children, especially at the younger ages, actually operate the same way. They are only concerned about today, not about tomorrow. While we worry about their future, their grades, having friends, they look to us with eyes that convey the silent message of “now”. What about today? How could we respond to them today? Does what we do today matter to what happens tomorrow? Yes, of course it does. Actually, worry does not do much more than increase thoughts around concerns, creating more anxiety instead of taking what today brings and fusing it into tomorrow. Of course, I am not saying we should not plan, more that every day consists of moments in time during which we could harvest every day problem solving opportunities that will support the many tomorrows to come.

Oscar had a certain vitality about life. He begged for life to be sniffed, explored, barked at and each of these he did with gusto and great fervor. When he saw a deer in our backyard woods, he would bark until we came to him and then he would shift his snout to show us: “Come and look”. Sometimes we could see the deer, other times, the possums and red foxes were only for his eyes. He would stand proudly erect, body stiff with excited tension and convey the message of his great find! We validated him and looked with him until he calmed down nicely and we could have our ears for ourselves again! Oh, what I would give to have one more of those moments! He begged us to recognize these daily events as part of our relationship, as the “food” that sheltered and built our companionship. What we miss is him, his relationship, his being, not what he achieved or not achieved. It is to hold him once more and shower him with the 100 kisses I gave him every day! His message to us is not to waste precious moments of growing up and living life. Capture the every day things that are happening and not only the wishes for tomorrow. What we have now is time and presence; tomorrow is the future, time is now.

Oscar trusted us to have his back. He knew he could rely on us no matter what. Children want the same from us as parents. More than knowing you will provide food on their table and clothes on their bodies, the need to know they are emotionally safe with you. That you are able to love them just the way they are and that you will help them gain the ground they need in order to thrive. For Oscar, only the relationship mattered. It did not matter if I picked his oldest, most tattered toy, as long as I flung it for him with my excitement about seizing this moment with him. It was bringing the stick back to us that mattered, not the actual stick. It was the “thing we did together” that counted.

Oscar was always on a leash when walking our neighborhood and even though we prefer the freedom of no leash, we realized very quickly that the leash was the boundary of safety we could provide for him. When he was unleashed he ran away in the woods a couple of times. On the other side of the woodsy area was a highway and not exactly what I would have had in mind for him. We needed to tighten the leash when he dawdled and sniffed too long, and we let go more when his pace was controlled and all was good. Kids need these boundaries too. They need to know when we tighten the leash it will ultimately be for the good of them and that we do know better, but within the parameters of the “leash”, we can give them room to freely explore what life has to offer. We were friends, but he knew who held the authority in our household. He may not always have understood why we tightened a leash or held him back when his exuberant greeting was too much for another dog, but he understood authority and accepted it.

Yes, I shed some tears again this morning, as the hole in my heart feels like a huge chasm that is going to be so difficult to bridge. He was our buddy, our companion, our constant laughter, our love. We have no regrets, he made sure every moment was seized. He fought valiantly and proudly against old age and all he really wanted was for us to be with him and love him. I realize he was a dog, but in so many ways much of it is the same with your kids. Deep down they want you and your time more than what you can or cannot provide. Even though you have to think for them from time to time, and yes, you do have to plan for the future, do not let the precious moments tick by of this day without seizing the shared joy that only relationship and companionship can bring. Oscar is so missed. We loved him so! Thank you to all our friends and families who have sent us well wishes upon his passing. He was well loved by many as he went to our therapy center every day with us. Thank you for enriching his life and therefor also ours!

Goodbye Oscar! You were a very special dog sent to us for a very special reason. Your gift was to allow us to see the richness of relationship, of “knowing” each other. Without words you communicated and you gave. Be safe, our friend, until we meet again!

Your Child’s Irritability Has A Reason

Your Child’s Irritability Has A Reason

by | Jul 9, 2020 | Executive Functioning Skills

By Maude Le Roux, OTR/L, SIPT, RCTC, DIR® Expert Trainer at A Total Approach

Learn the three origins of irritability in children, three reasons your child won’t tell you why they feel irritable and three ways to help them cope with their irritability. 

The Summer of 2020 is unlike any summer we’ve seen in a long time. Many summertime activities that kids and parents look forward to are curtailed due to ongoing precautions against COVID-19. Those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer life as we know it will be different. 

Families are indeed struggling through stressful times right now, and these stressors are affecting everyone in the family. As a parent, you not only may be experiencing frayed nerves and anxiety, but you may have to calm your child’s irritability as well. 

Irritability in children is closely related to anger and aggressive behavior and can be defined as increased proneness to anger. According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI), irritability includes both behavioral and mood components and manifests as inappropriate temper outbursts and sullen, grouchy moods. Developmentally, irritability peaks during a child’s preschool years and is associated with developmental delays later in adolescence. 

Make no mistake: Your child’s irritability has a reason, and it won’t simply go away without a little investigation and a lot of love.

Three Origins of Irritability in Children

Children are often irritable when they’re hungry, tired or not feeling well—they have an upset stomach or they’re coming down with a cold or a fever. 

Once you’ve determined that the irritability is not a sign of illness, however, you’ll need to consider other origins, such as the following: 

1. Your child may be struggling with emotional self-regulation, their ability to effectively respond to environmental stressors in the moment and how efficiently they recover from the effort. 

Sometimes children are irritable because something is bothering them inside. They’re reacting emotionally to something that’s happened in their lives, such as a huge change in their routine, a parent being away from home or a death in the family. They may be worried about being lonely this summer without their friends or if they’ll be able to go back to school in the fall. This may emotionality manifest as irritability.

The challenge for you as a parent in helping your child learn how to regulate their emotions is understanding why certain levels of stress stop them from responding effectively. Learn more in my article, “Emotional Regulation and the Importance of Early Developmental Experiences.”

2. Your child may be struggling with unexpressed anxiety. Typically kids don’t run to their parents and say, “I’m feeling anxious right now.” Mostly they try and suppress their anxiety, masking it with a smile—to appease and satisfy you. They recognize something is wrong, and they don’t know what that is. Because they think their anxiety is “wrong”, they don’t want others to witness it due to a sense of shame. As they try to hide their anxiety, it increases their irritability and tendency to exhibit outward frustrated behavior. As they grow older,this may lead to performance anxiety or lack of executive function—mental skills like working memory, flexible thinking and self-control that we need to learn, work and manage daily life. They may find it hard to focus, follow directions or regulate their emotions due to this hidden anxiety, which shows up as irritable behavior. 

If your child is irritable, look at whether they may be harboring some anxiety and the reasons for it. It’s actually good that you’re getting this sign earlier rather than later. 

3. Your child may be struggling with a central nervous system sensory issue. Sensory processing disorder (SPD) occurs when the brain does not organize and respond to the sensory signals received from a child’s body. If their autonomic nervous system (ANS) does not develop to the best capacity, they may struggle with developmental delays such as dyspraxia or lack of sensory modulation, the ability to regulate the activity between the sympathetic (arousal) and parasympathetic (inhibition) systems. Learn more in my article, “How Sensory Modulation Contributes to Behavior in Children.”

Three Reasons Your Child Won’t Tell You Why

1. Your child does not know why they’re feeling irritable, so they can not tell you why they’re feeling this way. They will become increasingly more irritable if you insist on discussing it with them.

2. Your child may not want to admit to doing “wrong”. Often children think what they’re feeling is something that’s wrong or undesirable. Therefore, it’s a taboo subject even to talk about.

3. Your child is living their own “fantasy”, which is their reality and they are not prone to share it. Their internal working model could be that they think they should be perfect in everything they do, which is not possible, of course. When they disappoint themselves with an imperfection like irritable behavior, they don’t want to further the feeling by telling their parent and risk disappointing you as well.

Three Things You Can Do About It

1. Don’t over-talk your child’s irritability with them, which can increase the frustration they are feeling inside. Simply validate your child’s emotion and allow them to recognize that the emotion they’re feeling is OK with you. If you don’t show them it’s OK, then your child may continue to think it is wrong to feel this way.

2. Try not to solve the problem for your child. In typical development, children learn to figure out their own solutions to problems, so you want your child to do the same. As a parent, one of the ways you can help shape this behavior in your child is by modeling. 

Your children are always watching what you do. They see how you handle stress. They watch how you treat other people and observe how you deal with your feelings, even when you think they aren’t paying attention, and they emulate it. 

People learning by watching others is called social learning theory. Kids repeat what they hear, and they imitate what they see, especially from their parents. When you use good modeling behavior, such as showing your kids healthy ways to calm down, pointing out good sharing behavior among a group or telling them how you feel, you’re modeling the kind of behavior that you want to see in them and that it’s OK with you. 

As a result, your child is gaining self-acceptance, self-awareness and self-identity from the way they view how you are viewing them.

3. Contact us! If you’d like to learn more about how to help an irritable child, schedule a free phone consultation with one of our therapists, who can give specific insight into our approach.