Ever wondered what was going on in your child’s head when they look at you? It may surprise you to know the real needs behind different facial expressions. Though there are many, we will cover three major facial expressions today.
Downcast eyes, not fully wanting to make eye contact, downturn of mouth, coming closer slowly, hesitantly:
Your child is feeling insecure, not sure how you will respond to a request or situation to be shared. Children always want their parents’ acceptance and love. They want to know they are not disappointing you even as they disappoint themselves for not having the control they think they should have had, for causing a “bad” situation to take place. No matter the behavior, they always want your love, even when they test your patience sorely. When you think they are not looking, they are scouring your face from the corners of their eyes, listening to your voice tone, continuously assessing what “mood” you are in. The problem with a developing child is that they perceive you according to their own perception of the moment, not the actual reality of the moment. They do not see what you see or hear what you hear. You think they should be listening, more than they are looking, but this is not the case, they are looking, more than they are listening. And your facial and physical gesture is going to be interpreted according to their own logic, not yours. This forms the foundation for many power struggles, preventing a meeting of the minds to come to some common conclusion.
Belligerent eyes, fierce attitude, scowl on face, body pulled up in extension, ready for fight, or flight, harsh tones, angry words:
Believe it or not, but your child is still feeling insecure, pulled into self-protection through the defense mechanisms, with a strong need to protect vulnerability at all costs. The fighting child is a frightened child with all sorts of hurt feelings inside. When the child searches, your face, your voice tone, which may be perceived as being angry, mad, disapproving, his sympathetic nervous system goes into over-arousal, kicking in his Amygdala in full action, which causes logical thinking to disappear into the night.
Blank face, non-committal, low voice tone, shoulders slightly stooped or too erect – act as if does not care:
They do care, they care intensely, but if they allow themselves to show what they feel, it would make them feel fragile, needy, and vulnerable to being “bullied” or being told “no” or even
worse, that their opinion is not valued. Children are trying to find themselves, their place, their “mold” in this world. As they are still searching to make sense of it all, it opens them to experience strong emotions at times that they may not feel safe and protected. They also learn and respond to their emotions from the modelling of their parents. They are learning from you
how to handle things. It is a scary thought, as we certainly cannot be perfect each time. But as scary as it is, it does not shake the truth of it. If you get mad in response to a situation, they
learn it is ok to do it. If you cry at the drop of a hat, they learn it is ok to do it. If you throw or hit something, they learn from it for themselves. Research states that each one of us are
building the kind of parent we are going to be in the first 9 months of our lives.
What do we do?
- Think about how you respond to your child in different circumstances. What do you want your child to see when they look at you?
- Reflect on your own experience as a child and your thoughts of your parents through these early developing years
- Reflect on your own behavior and what you are modeling for your child. Is your own behavior what you would like them to follow?
- Do not take the child’s response as fact, it often is built upon the fantasy of their own perception, which makes it true for them, but not necessarily true to the situation. This helps to fray those edgy nerves we have, though you still do not want to minimize their emotion. To them it is real and therefore should be treated with respect.
- Whatever the emotion, try to respond with the cue of “emotional safety” first. It is connection before correction that counts.
- Meet them in their emotion, not in their words. Gain regulation first, then go into the situation.
- Do not solve their problems for them. Frame it, help them reflect, but allow them their own process so they can “own” the success of their solution and build on it.
When parenting alone does not help and you are feeling lonely in trying to understand your child, call us at 484 840 1529 and let’s talk!
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